I Hate Not Having My Car
Friday Aug 26, 2011
Captain Jack has my car today. The truck is still partially disassembled. He should be having another of his out of town appts at 1pm. He was supposed to call them first thing this morning and make sure he would be done in time to be back in town by the time I got off. I asked him to email me if he needed to tell me anything because I felt like we talked wayyyyy to much on the phone yesterday while I was at work and I want to limit/eliminate phone calls today. He dropped me off at 7:45am and it is now noon and I have yet to receive an email. I have been stewing about it since 9:30am. His appt is at 1pm and it takes 45 minutes to get there. I imagine I will not be receiving an email as he best be walking out the door. I keep thinking to reach for the phone, and then decide not to, to wait a bit longer and give him time. But the reality is that this is another one of the OBSESSIVE things I do. And I do it all the time. I make too many phone calls to him because I am angry that I have asked him to call, or even worse HE has told me he will call, and I wait and wait and he doesn’t call. In this case it’s email, but the concept is the same. I refuse to call. I refuse to text. I refuse to email. I am still thoroughly disgusted that he has not emailed me even though I felt I was explicitly clear that I wanted him to let me know as soon as he had information about his appt. I am pissed off because I feel like I deserve to be in the loop as to what is going on, both because I’m half of this relationship and also because he’s got my car which means I am stranded at work until he gets back. Not that I’m going anywhere until 5pm, but it’s the principle. I got the truck for him. I cashed out my paid leave from my prior job and instead of doing something for myself with money I earned long before I met him, I bought him a vehicle so we wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. ANNNNNDDDD I bought him the truck he wanted, a truck he has wanted since he was in high school.
I am frustrated beyond words that he does this. I HATE HATE HATE that he cannot seem to follow through with keeping me in the loop. He just does not pay attention to the time or think about what it is like for me as the minutes tick by all day long while I sit at my desk and wait for the phone to ring or the email to arrive. I just have the clock staring me in the face, tick tock tick tock, and and and … . plus I put off going on my break or going to the bathroom because I am expecting a call and don’t want to miss it. So then I have the added emotion enhancing sensation of a full bladder, which always puts me in SUCH a chipper mood.
There’s also the added bonus that he was in his comatose state yesterday and when we went to bed last night (separately as always) we had been discussing whether he would even be going to the appt because of the safety of him making the 45 minute drive. This comatose state happens frequently and I don’t know what causes it. But it is scary and it is intensely infuriating. He can’t hold a conversation or even a train of thought. He can’t enunciate his words and all the mumbling makes me nuts. In essence, it takes him a full five minutes to get a couple of sentences spit out – like I’ll ask, are you hungry and what would you like to have and it takes five minutes for him to gather his thoughts and then get the thoughts from his brain to his mouth. Maybe five minutes doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a LONG DAMN TIME when it’s a question that simple. And then to have waited all that time for the answer, when it comes out all mumbled and garbled and I have to say “what?” about twenty times and then he loses his train of thought and says “what were we talking about?” and then I want to punch myself in the face. My patience wears very thin. Ugh.
Something that just occurred to me … it’s not my responsibility to make sure he’s up/ready to go/on time or any other thing. He’s a grown man, something he used to say to me all the time when we were first dating. It’s hard for me, being that I’m a control freak, to just let things go and be what they are. I’m always worried that he’ll be late or forget the appt or not be watching the time (or wreck the car). I hate worrying about all that stuff. It’s exhausting. And I realize, logically, that it’s not my place to be worrying about it anyway. Emotionally though, that’s another story altogether. Just one more thing I can put on my list of “things to work on”. It’s so hard to let it go because if he misses his appt or is late for something or whatever the current issue is, it does affect me. There are numerous ways his lack of togetherness can negatively impact me. For instance, if he’s late for something and incurs a charge, I have to come up with the money. If it’s a missed doctor appt, that means slower healing which in turn affects EVERYTHING (proper medication refills, his coherency, our sleeping arrangements, our complete lack of a sex life, the fact that I have missed almost every fun local, social, work related event in the past two and a half years). If he has the car and is supposed to pick me up, I’m the one sitting on a bench waiting for him to show up, tired after working all day and getting more and more irritated by the minute. So I’m at a crossroads. Where is my boundary? Which part of it is legitimately mine and which has nothing to do with me? Ugh. Again.