.. .. .. is a very long time to go without sex

I’m thoroughly exhausted and entirely frustrated with having to always go it alone

And the waiting, the wanting, the fantasizing are just about enough to make me want to kill myself

I love Jack, more than I ever thought I could ever love again

But I seriously just don’t know how much more I can take

I sincerely don’t know how much longer I can stand it

I feel like I’ve been saying this for months, and yet I keep on keeping on

But I truly feel like I am going insane

I can feel the anger building in my muscles and I don’t know how to handle it, what to do with it

I want to punch something, HARD .. .. .. to the point that I got a punching bag, the kind you hang from the ceiling

But whenever I get to that point, the one where my arms and legs feel like they will explode, that point when I really should use the punching bag, I’m so exhausted in my mind and my heart that I can’t get myself up and exert the energy to punch the living shit out of it

I can feel the tears right behind my eyes almost every waking minute of every day

I wish I didn’t love him so damn much

If I didn’t, I could just walk away

I would pack a suitcase, grab Mr. Dog, get in my car, and never look back

I would move to a big city, get a tiny little apartment and a cat, find work at a quiet little bookstore, and move on with my life

But I just can’t do it, no matter how much my heart longs and my soul yearns to escape the anger and the pain and the embarrassment and the shame and the exhaustion

I guess I believe, stupidly maybe (probably), that “soon” he will be well and our lives will have the chance to be “normal” 

I can’t leave, not with that one little piece of me that believes that we could be healthy and happy and have a beautiful future together

Not with that part of me that dreams of being his wife, that dreams of regular days spent sitting on a porch swing in the evening sun, or extraordinary days spent on a tropical beach or traveling through Europe, or just simply growing old together

Three years .. .. .. is a long damn time

Has anyone else been through this?  Does anyone have advice for the nearly crazy me on how to handle this, on how to have patience, on how to live through another day, another week, another month without completely losing my mind?